Defeated?
Just these days, I feel like it’s really hard to post an entry of my innermost thoughts on a public blog where everyone knows who is behind the contents — me, draco. Especially when the thoughts extend beyond me, to a third party, a forth, a fifth and so on.
Even replacing their names with alphabets doesn’t help. People who visit my blog are mostly my friends within an almost same circle of trust. They know what happens to me daily and even if I were to do the replacement, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to put the right names back in place. So it won’t help.
Granted, it’s my blog but I can’t just type my thoughts here. Why would I risk it? It doesn’t make sense to let the world know my every little thought and yet I really wish to have a place just to put all my thoughts in place. So when I’m troubled I can scribble them somewhere and feel better, in either an offline diary or an anonymous blog, but not this one.
Maybe I should create an account at Blogger.com like i-m-not-draco.blogspot.com and start posting there, replacing people’s names with alphabets like what many others did; hoping that no one knows it’s me. Then post a link on my blogrolls and see who’s able to chance upon it! But having said this, any new links that I add will be suspicious so I guess I must try something else. Or maybe I should type like LiKe a WhOrE wHo HaTes SHiFT kEyS anD dEcIDeS to ToRtURe iT to dEAtH. Or replace 3v3ry v0w3l w1th numb3rs. Just try not to be too draco-ish and I’m so sure no one will know it’s me.
Now that’s pretty cool.
And you wonder what’s wrong with me posting these thoughts here? Actually, nothing. It’s just that some thoughts I find it better to tell those who are willing to listen. Those whom I think will care and those who will put things aside just to hear me talk things out first. And whom I trust not to trigger the fears in me. And to these people, thank you. :) Only these people deserve to know that the thoughts are from me, not some random rantings and musings from some random bloggers. Only these people deserve to know what’re my thoughts.
And big no-nos to those who will tell you “I’ll call you later” all the time. And I mean all the time. Come on, if I were someone who’s on the verge of commiting suicide and maybe you can save my life, calling back later will get you a message like “The number you’ve just dialed is currently not available; the user might have commited suicide already“. If you figured there’s anything that could be more important than hearing a troubled friend out, then you most probably ain’t worth the time to tell problems to. I’ll feel better if I can’t find you in the first place than to be put aside because of something else. Sure, you have your rights to put me second or third or last, I’m not about to force someone to listen to my thoughts! So, thank you for your time to tell me that you’re going to call me later — but you just lost the entrance ticket to be my good friend (well, not like you actually care since you figured hearing me out is always second or third to something else). And hey you’re still a friend, don’t worry; I don’t make friends because I need someone to hear me out — I make one because I am one.
If you think that I’m being unfair, I beg to differ. 95% of the times when my friends need a listening ears and I know it, I’ll put things aside just to be one. When there’s a will, there’s a way. I’m not telling you that if I can, then you can. I’m just telling you that I can, so I’m qualified to deserve people who do, too. So don’t think “who’s draco to say those deserving words“.
And what I mentioned are just the general situation, it isn’t always like that. I am reasonable enough to judge what is always and what is not. I’m just telling you my thoughts.
So has this blog defeated its purpose in delivering what I want to say or my thoughts? Not exactly. It’s just that the very very deepest thoughts in me I won’t post in here. I think it’s normal of all non-anonymous bloggers too though. Everyone has their own supreme privacy. ;)
So don’t worry, till I get my new blogspot account set up, you’ll still read all about the thoughts of draco here! Nowhere else! Not even i-m-not-draco.blogspot.com!