projekt draco

Late night thoughts reminded me of why I have so little female friends. And I really mean little, as in you can count them with the fingers! I used to think perhaps I’m a loser so ladies do not wish to befriend me, but recent events had me realised that I could be a homo or someone you call a gay.

And truth is everyone calls me a gay, so deep down, I became one due to peer pressure even if I wasn’t one. And yes, try as I may to constantly remind myself that I still love pornography (not gay ones) and that I still love women, some things that happened in the past made it harder for me to have more female friends that I would love to…

The banana and durian incident

Back in primary school days, I used to have bald head because it was really convenient and I could just wake up in the morning, take a shower and head right to school. Perhaps it was this convenience that contributed to my laziness in my later days of my life, but that’s a story for another time.

I have no idea why, but people just have this habit of wanting to touch a bald head whenever they see one. Most just think, but some will go ahead with their thoughts and do it. And that’s when things can go wrong, especially if they don’t know the one whom they touched. Misunderstandings could occur, and it did for my case.

So there was this girl who actually touched my head in class. She just had to do it to incur my wrath. So I was taken aback and trust me I reacted fast enough to slap her hand away. After which she got so mad at me that we had a debate on who was right and who was wrong. Apparently you should never engage in a battle of wits with someone who is unarmed and in that case, because he or she would bring you down to his level and then defeat you with his or her experience.

But I couldn’t care less, so I engaged in one. So it seemed that according to her, there was nothing wrong with her touching my head. She sounded so reasonable that I almost got tricked. But it didn’t take long for me to give her then long nicely tied in a pony tail hair a gentle pull. No it didn’t hurt that much I promise, but she made a mountain out of a molehill and tried to find trouble with me, complaining that I hurt her by pulling her hair.

Sure I did, since she insisted. So I told her she hurt me when she touched my head. And when asked why, I told her that I felt violated because I was touched without permission — she molested me. And don’t ask me where I learnt that from but that was what I said anyway.

I think she realised that she lost her stand already, so she ended it with a “stupid durian head” and walked away. I didn’t want to lose out so I hurled “yea, sure, stupid banana head” back at her, only to recieve a few cold glares in return.

And that happened like 13 years ago. Till today, she is still not talking to me whenever we meet each other in the void deck. And walking past each other isn’t that hard considering that she’s my neighbour.

Oh well. The very first horrible incident with a female human specie.

Hand-holding partner

Back then in the primary school I was in, it was a tradition to have the primary one kids have a hand-holding partner of the opposite sex. I have no idea why or who would actually think of that. I mean, opposite sex? We couldn’t even go to the toilet together as a buddy! But I guess it was meant to be this way so we could get into our two straight rows faster because we had a partner. Or maybe so we could get used to having a female friend, because it seemed like when we were young, the boys would shun the girls as though they were some plague. And when I think back now, it’s kind of funny why it happened anyway.

So I was given this girl for a partner. I can still vividly recall her looks; she was rather pretty but was tad too skinny. I can’t comment about the figure since she was still very young. But overall she was a nice person to be with, and a rather pretty one too.

But there was a catch — she was obsessed with the hand holding idea. Every morning when I strolled right into the school compound for the morning assembly, she would rush right to me whenever she saw me, just to hold my hand! I know you guys would die to have that happening now, but I didn’t know a shit and I found it irritating — we held hands wherever we went, and I had no freedom whatsoever.

Granted, we were innocent back then so hand holding was sort of like a duty more of the boyfriend-girlfriend thing, but she was really obsessed. And that freaked me out. The other students didn’t hold their partners’ hands all the time, but mine did. And because of that I was often mocked at. You know the childish kind of “see Sunny and so-so holding hands, so loving!” thing? I was so embarrassed. But we held hands all the same.

So it lasted till we seperated class in primary 3, and we held hands no more. It ended almost abruptedly so I guess our friendship was only hand-holding-commitment. It was a love-and-hate situation when I no longer got to hold her hand probably because I was so used to it and change was hard. But at least I regained freedom again.

Phone buddy

So I guess girls are born for words. I had a friend who was like my phone buddy; she would call me everyday after school without fail for long hours of phone sessions. Okay, maybe it just felt long. This happened in my late primary school era, like primary 5 or 6 so we were more matured and had more to talk about. General topics involve homework, politics, gossips and then some “you know he likes her, she likes him” businesses.

She never failed to amaze me with her daily new information of the latest happenings! Everyday she would just fill me in on the latest and I would just be on the line, quietly listening to her. If it were a session a day it wouldn’t be that bad, but it happened a few times a day! Sometimes we talked before bed, after meals… we would just chit chat whenever she called me.

If you think I was suffering from that, you have no idea. It was yet another love-and-hate kind of thing; I love to chat with her but I hated the long hours. Back then I didn’t know that having to chat with a lady over the phone is somewhat a priviledge and is something I should enjoy. So yea, you get the idea.

But later it evolved into me going to her house everyday. To play games, to chat or just sleep there till time was up and I went home. And it continued till I left primary school I think, but I can’t be sure now. But it ended eventually and soon we lost contact after secondary two.

And a couple other incidents that happened that made me felt that women are freedom-sucking creatures. Presense of female equals loss of freedom. And women can be very unreasonable when they want to, so I’m very afraid of them now.

All these explain why I have so little female friends and why I could possibly be well, a gay.