For the first time in history.
Have you ever made a mistake and then tried to make up for it but realised that it was too late already? Sure you can repent, but soon you will begin to wonder whether what you’d been doing actually matters at all since the damage had been inflicted and the resulting scar would always remain no matter how hard you try.
I did. It’s like every morning I wake up and I fail.
See, I tried forgetting her, which (in)directly ruined our friendship several times thus hurting her. And many a time when I thought I’d forgotten clean about her, the truth proved otherwise continuing the vicious cycle, increasing both the hurt and the effort to put things right expotentially everytime it happens.
Why must a voluntary deed bring me so much miseries that I don’t fucking deserve?
I mean, c’mon I did my part as a friend and now that she has everything and I don’t, the least I deserve is to have the simple and carefree life I used to enjoy back and not have them taken away from me as a result of my kind act. Seriously, it’s only right that I get them back, no?
It’s not fair (cues favourite quote: no one told you life was fair
). Why is her face haunting me everytime I close my eyes when I can’t even remember clearly how she looks like? Why do I have to be reminded that she has someone else in her heart whenever I chat with her because her MSN nick says she’s missing him? Why do I have to see his bloody face whenever I browse her Friendster profile just to have a look at her?
And the worse part is that I have to write this entry in a way that it doesn’t ruin her reputation because she hasn’t done anything wrong. The agony, you can’t understand.
Why can’t I just forget everything that makes me weak and lead a normal life without having to miss her? I miss the olden days when I have no such worries.
Start calling me an emo teen who can’t handle his own emotions and I won’t even blame you because you can never understand the feeling of trying and trying and still fail in the end until you experiences the sensation for yourself. And I hope you don’t get this chance though, or you’ll be very fouled up, like I am now.
I can now only get indulged in miscellaneous projects to numb myself because I’m so tired thinking about it. I’m turning schizophrenic already.
And since no one can save me other than myself, for the first time in history, I beseech God to lend me a hand in forgetting this chapter of my life (in a friendly method, please thanks!)
Maybe it’s really time to move on, somehow.
PS: Dang, public ranting feels good. I should’ve done this earlier.